Unfortunately my position as webmaster here at childneedsfather.com and my own divorce history allows me to see many things and has awoken me to many truths that the average husband or man just will never get to witness. For whatever reason you have asked the question Why do marriages fail?
This is a topic that regularly rears it heads in my posts but what I plan to focus on today is not so much the blame game (which so easily follows a marriage failure) but more of the transformation steps which will get you away from the blame game and onto the personal growth phase.
If you are new to my site, welcome, the theme here is mostly related to divorce recovery and passing on some of those hard-earned lessons that tend to only be learned by failure. Welcome to the majority if you are going through some failures of your own.
Clinically referred to as denial; I prefer to think of it as being blinded by your own belief system or thought patterns. Your ego does some nasty things when it comes to protecting you from change and making sometimes when you get stuck in a rut it is because your own thought processes have locked you into a paradigm with no way out.
If that doesn’t make sense to you then you have just proven to yourself that you have already trapped yourself
Let me give a few example to elaborate.
Preconception 1 – Your partner feels the same way you do
Have a good hard look inside your own head when you are in the middle of a disagreement with your spouse. I bet you that you have just automatically assumed that whatever you are feeling is automatically mutual.
If you are guilty of preconception #1 here is the cold hard truth, you are no the center of the universe and everybody in the world does not have to bow down to your feelings.
Preconception 2 – Your partner actually wants to be happy
There are two people in the world; optimists and pessimists. Some people choose to be pessimists and will never be content until they are miserable. There is plenty of well documented reasons for this phenomenon but very few of them have to do with any one individual so don’t take it to heart.
Unfortunately opposites attract and you need to compensate for the differences not sweep them under a rug.
This preconception can be disastrous if not well understood.
Preconception 3 – Your relationship is no one else’s business
I hate to break the bad news to you but when you marry someone you have just entered into a legal contract with the government. The legal system is the third part of your marriage and it will offer each participant different rewards for breaking up the marriage than it will to remain married.
I hope you understand this concept, it is critical to understand if you ever want to get a landing of exactly where your current state is. It is even more important to understand when you want to identify options for the future (each participant have very different options available made available to them by the legal system).
Preconception 4 – Your partner’s objectives are the same as yours
You have certain inherent inclinations to behave in certain ways that you cannot suppress forever. If you are a woman you are inclined to nest. If you are a man you are inclined to protect and provide.
The society wide indoctrination that you have probably been caught up in has taught you that men and women are equal.
That train of thought is just plain wrong and if you can awaken yourself to the scam you will find a whole new world, a world of possibilities not limitations.
Preconception 5 – You are both grown adults
I tend not to use the term “adult.” It is misleading and it does not promote the right concepts to get your head where it should be. I think of the term adult as being akin to the term being of age for sexual maturity; nothing more. You need to be a lot more than sexually mature to be happy. I prefer the term autonomous which means sexually mature, legal maturity (of legal age) and socially developed to the point on independence.
The big kicker here is the social development aspect.
One very quick test you can throw at your partner is this one – Have they ever lived on their own, paid their own way, consistently held themselves responsible for their own actions/emotions and illustrated high self-esteem, self-motivated tendencies, positive self-concepts, self-initiating behaviors and self-regulating behaviors gained through long term good mental health.
Be honest – I think most of us would fail that test on an average day, let alone a bad day.
Until you have good mental health and a good image of yourself you will not be a properly functioning adult.
Preconception 6 – (NAWALT) Not all women are like that.
That is exactly what you have been conditioned to believe. You have been lied to. Remember this – very few women are not like that (whatever atrocities you are imagining) but the vast majority are more than capable of it and don’t need an excuse to go there.
Remember – It is a woman’s prerogative to be like that. It will also change from one minute to the next.
Men typically don’t get those sorts of privileges unless you can manufacture your own social construct which is in competition with the Matrix we live in.
The Blame Game (aka externalization or projection)
Moving on from the conversation earlier about autonomy.
Take a minute to list down your grievances in your marriage. If you think (like most people do in your situation) that all your problems can be solved if your partner changed their attitude you have just proven yourself to be guilty of projecting blame. Remember this too, wishing that the changed back to the way they used to be is the same thing. People change and they have to change as life changed.
Your problems will never be solved by projecting anything onto others. You cannot control someone else without sacrificing their autonomy. Far too many solipsists and narcissist think they can be autonomous enough for everyone else.
Do Marriages Fail or Do People Fail?
Just by the way the question has been phrased it becomes obvious to me that some level of externalization is going on already. Be careful you don’t externalize too much and make the whole saga very impersonal.
One of the main aims pushed by the divorce industry is to make a divorce into an impersonal exercise. They will do this by preventing communication, access and shaping your interactions into their favor.
Do yourself a favor and accept the fact the people are imperfect. You were both imperfect before you got married and the fairytale can never and will never magically materialize perfection.
If you can be mature enough to see fault in others that is really a reflection of your own deficiency. Use it as a starting point to develop yourself not a target to attack others.
Links to more articles related to autonomy
Hi there, My friends call me Remy. I am a middle aged divorcee that has decided not to walk the path other people decided to set down for me. I have gained the most strength in my life from my failures. Resilience is a very powerful attribute if you can manage it, I am still building mine up but stick with me and we can forge ahead together.