When Do Guys Grow Up – Mid-Life Crisis & Unrealistic Expectations

man child

This is a follow-up article to one I wrote a long time ago about the Peter Pan syndrome and the Princess syndrome. In this article I feel we need to delve into a lot more detail onto the question of When Do Guys Grow Up.

Thanks for visiting my site here we present a long-lost masculine point of view so often frowned upon today. Frown all you like but the men who build your infrastructure, generate your electricity and provide you with all those modern conveniences; know just how dependent you are.

Expectations Placed On Men

I want to challenge every one reading this article to take a good hard look at what your expectations are for a man to be considered successful in life today, leave your list below in the comments. Here is the most common list of traits people feel a man needs to exhibit to be doing it right.

  • Strong, 6 foot tall, muscular, rugged but not overpowering, controlling or too masculine
  • good-looking, athletic, energetic, outgoing but not the center of attention
  • wealthy and self-made but not pompous, ambitious or overly-confident
  • spontaneous but still stable and boring
  • nice car, big house, expensive tastes but still down to earth
  • giving, caring, generous, completely self-less but not a pushover
  • brave but not uncontrollable
  • in touch with his feelings but not emotional

It’s a very fine line to tread.

Intolerance To The Needs Of A Man

Did you notice anything missing on the list above. I will give you a hint if you missed it.dominant-woman

Put yourself in the shoes of such a man and imagine yourself accumulating all this wealth and then generously sharing it all, How are you going to build any sort of self-character, self-identity or self-esteem if all your success if based on the shallow happiness of others.

The happiness of others is not a good yard stick for anyone to use as a life ambition.

The needs of a man have not only become irrelevant to most parts of society but they are becoming slowly criminalized. No I am not talking about sexual conquest.

The Myth Of The Male Mid-Life Crisis

The moment I started spending a little bit of effort and time on myself I was immediately accused of having a mid-life crisis and all the associated shaming started. The aim was to shame me back into the cage I was supposed to be in and get back to the self-less work of providing for my family.

You will find that most men accused of having a mid-life crisis are around the age range of 35-40. What no one is told is that it is around this age that a man’s libido drops off and his priorities in life change A LOT. What he previously tolerated (in order to get laid) will not be tolerated know because the priority of him getting laid has gone further down the priority list.

This change in priorities may also have something to do with reaching the half-way mark of life and facing the downhill slide to death.

Unfortunately for his wife is also coincides with the time (around her age range 35-40) that she loses her fertility and becomes a lot less desirable to him anyway.

 

Is Your Idea Of Him Growing Up Healthy for Him?

How did you go writing out your list above and leaving it in the comments below. If you are like most wives you probably are struggling to define exactly what you call “grown up.” It is the sort of question that raises memories about your parents or other significant adults in your childhood. These types of memories are the ones that helped shape your opinions and build your paradigms as a child. They are the influencing your unhappiness know.

Unhappiness leads to criticism most of the time. I don’t know when do guys grow upexactly why, it’s not a natural reaction. It is just the way that society leads most people. Take the time over the next months or so to really observe those people around you who are most critical and you will see they are the most unhappy, usually with themselves.

Now that you have taken stock of all your own baggage take a minute to recognize the fact that your husband has baggage from his childhood and adulthood too. You are not the one and only reason for his existence and he has a life outside of your expectations.

Follow this link to read an article where I delved deeper into the concept of adulthood and autonomy.

Do You Need to Grow Up Yourself and Stop Asking Others to Fill Your Short-comings?

For a wife to make such a statement I would hope that she is completely autonomous herself. Autonomous means that she is self-reliant.
Very few people are autonomous in society today. In fact the western society does all it can to make people into weak-minded feeble followers that can do not much more than consume, work, spend and criticize.

We all grow up and live as less than whole humans. Please do not believe that you can become a whole human being by coupling up with another less than whole human who will fill in the gaps left by your short-comings. Most of the time this scenario plays out by a woman believing that she can change a man. It may be true in the short term but it’s an impossible charade to maintain the toll will ruin both people in the relationship.

 

Hi there, My friends call me Remy. I am a middle aged divorcee that has decided not to walk the path other people decided to set down for me. I have gained the most strength in my life from my failures. Resilience is a very powerful attribute if you can manage it, I am still building mine up but stick with me and we can forge ahead together.

12 Replies to “When Do Guys Grow Up – Mid-Life Crisis & Unrealistic Expectations”

  1. It’s funny how people perceive men should be. When I was singe women weren’t interested in me because I didn’t fit into the box you have laid in the article. But once I was married with children and everyone saw what I had to offer, they were envious of my wife. Thank you for all the information here… I wish it was out there when I was younger.

    Clay

    1. welcome clay,
      you have just reinforced back to me one of the main aims of this website which is passing on important information from us old blokes back to younger men (or women) who can benefit from the stories related to the mistakes we have made. Bad Experiences don’t have to be followed in order for someone to learn.
      remember gentlemen, you can be the better half. Rise above.

  2. You are right about your list being a very fine line to tread. If a man is ABLE to accomplish all this, he’d likely be very happy, but we all have varying qualities.

    I would describe a man that is willing to take on challenges, see other people’s points of view, know when to push and back off, and is comfortable in their own skin.

    If you’ve ever talked to someone who is just comfortable being themselves, you can become enthralled. There is no false front, and they do not apologize for being themselves.

    1. you are a very wise man ernest.

      there is two phrases from you comments that stuck out to me.

      first was the ability to push back on your wife, married men are telling me that pushing back has become a minefield amongst all the present domestic violence laws, even an argument or a heated conversation puts a man at risk.  Too many men have been held hostage by such threats and unfortunately it is an never ending threat that just boils up below the surface.

      second point was the comment about a false front.  we all wear masks and as i work to remove my masks what i am finding is that most of the masks were created by other people for my benefit and I just bought into the stereotype.  Don’t let anyone else determined your values, or dictate your behaviors.  If you act dramatically different around your mates than you do around your wife and kids you know that you have some work to do.

      Check out my book review on Rebuilding when your relationship ends, it has an entire chapter on removing your masks.

  3. I found this very interesting how you phrase your opinions. I too think a man should be able to be who he really is while thinking about his family though. A mature man will take his family’s responsibility and try to help them and advise them. He will know when to have his time and when to spend time with his wife and children.

  4. Fantastic article! I hope many read this and really think.
    I have a lot of thoughts about it, so sorry if this is a long comment but i will keep it as short as I can.
    I think the keyword in what is wrong with society’s view of a successful man is “society”… the values are all messed up, shallow and selfish. We live in a “me me me” world where everyone is expected to fulfill their needs but they don’t have to bother themselves to fulfill anything for anyone else.

    We were created for relationship. not for complete self-reliance. In the end, we are responsible for our own happiness, but the funny thing is that when we take care of each other we find happiness every time – but the key there is take care of EACH OTHER, not sitting back waiting for someone else to do all the work.

    My view of male success was shaped early in my life by my grandparents, whom I spent a lot of time with – so I may be considered too much of a conservative Christian or old fashioned but my grandparents were the happiest couple I have ever known and they lived to serve one another. There was not a “me” attitude at all yet they were both filled to overflowing with love, peace, joy and everything people fight to hoard and refuse to give. they lived to give those things and ended up with it in abundance…. My grandfather worked outside the home, and he worked hard. My grandmother took care of the home and did an amazing job of it. they were the happiest couple…. women’s lib, and women thinking they needed to be equal to man – when really we are. the roles are different but equally important. that movement messed up the roles and nobody knows who to be anymore…. right down to literally thinking they were born the wrong sex (sorry if that was taken too far, but really… think about it)

    Success, real success is not at all what society says. A 5’4″ man can be just as handsome and successful as a 6′ tall man can be. I know, my dad is the 5’4″ picture of awesomeness and my husband that tall handsome man with a successful job as co-owner of his family business. But what happens when the beauty fades or the job goes wrong? what is left for society to value? yeah, nothing. So the perfect guy is left alone. He has been so busy catering to selfish people that he never developed character on the inside. Or the other way around and he hoarded (rather than love) the trophy wife and did not value her… that value goes both ways.
    What I am saying is that true value of who a person is, is not the house or money. value is who a person is on the inside, their integrity, their character…and it helps to let them know they are loved… really loved, no matter what. I would rather live with love in a trailer than with a selfish man with shallow feelings in a mansion. love remains when looks and money are gone.

    1. thanks for laying it all out for us Corey.

      What I am seeing is men being shamed into submission from a very early age.  Boys are no long allowed to compete with each other or even wrestle and do the normal boy things which is just the start of a life long social conditioning effort to have men beaten into submission and then conform to the feminist ideal of a perfect workhorse.  Until mid-life when he can be discarded and bled for money.

      There is typically some sort of shift in a man psyche around the age of 40 when he suddenly realises that the above mentioned lifestyle as a workhorse to benefit others can’t continue.  It is the women who cry mid-life crisis in these cases, not the men.  In my case (which is very common) I started lifting weights and ramping up exercise at the age of 38;  it soon became branded my mid-life crisis by the wife.  She had other plans for me that didn’t involve me being healthy.  This is a very typical mid-life scenario which most of the time leads to divorce.

      I am very encouraged by the numbers of women who are commenting here and voicing their disapproval for  the mainstream feminist agenda and propaganda.  Good luck.

  5. Wow very insightful article. As a teenager that is still adjusting to society, this definitely touched on a lot of worries I had and it is good to learn from someone much further along that road. I hope you keep making great content, wish you all the best!

    1. It can be an ugly world out there Udith if find yourself led down the wrong path.
      Find yourself someone close to home you can bounce ideas off, learn from other peoples mistakes (or your own) every chance you can and don’t be afraid to say NO.
      Good to hear from you and thanks for leaving a comment.

  6. This is a fantastic article and so true. We as men are taught what it’s so called to be a man.I watched a great movie just what your talking about called the mask we live in and It starts with our childhood. The total misconception what it takes to be a man are you tough are you making a lot of money you have to always be the strong one. Your article is a must read for all men it will really get them thinking.
    Thank you,
    David

    1. Thanks David,

      The scary part for me is that the masks we wear are (a lot of the time) created by other people, for their own purposes.  Governments would love nothing better than compliant tax payers and most mother in laws would love nothing more than a rich, generous, naive and gullible son in law.

      Choose your own masks.

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