Forgotten Victims & Parental Alienation Syndrome?

parental alienation

Howdy. My kids have been showing signs of parental alienation syndrome since way back before I split up with my ex. She was distorting their minds years before the split but now that the divorce is over and now that the kids are old enough to see things for themselves what effect has it all had on them? Join me for a quick delve into another topic which “they” don’t want you to talk about or think about.

Important note: I am not a medical practitioner. If you believe you or your kids need psychiatric help don’t hesitate, see your GP and share your pain. Do not waste a minute worrying about the reactions of others.

 

What is Parental Alienation syndrome in kids?

Here is a quote from Wikipedia that I believe sets the correct context for my post.

Parental Alienation Syndrome wikipedia quote
Source: Wikipedia

So the key thing to remember now is the PAS is all about the children. I was shocked when I was going through my family court situation to see for myself that the legal system understood parental alienation (between adults) all too well. It was another one of those situations where everyone knows, sees & hears it and they are well attuned to not ever talking about it. They never acknowledged its existence directly (always indirect and always in a shrug your shoulders kind of yes I know kind of way). As I have said in earlier posts these are the times when silence is deafening.

When I asked the social workers about the effects to the children they drew a blank. When, I asked the psychologists they generalized about the need kids will have for counseling once they leave home if they ever want to be functional adults. No mention of trying to help the kids before the damage was done. Not by any of them. I guess the need for them to placate to the malicious mothers if greater.

It made me reflect on the obvious and common trauma all these kids are going through (not just mine, every child subjected to a bitter single mother who doesn’t mind getting on the man bashing bandwagon) and the effects they carry with them into their adulthood. No wonder we have so many people who come from traumatized parents and grandparents fueling the fire of discontent. The proof is in the divorce rates and in your social media feeds about the gender wars.

How is Parental Alienation perpetrated

The types of readers I get to my site quite often are men who have kids and didn’t make it through their divorces unscathed. They are carrying emotional scars, financial scars and PTSD symptoms from events that sometimes unfolded years ago totally out of their control and more often than not very similar to each other.

The act itself of alienating a father has been fairly well covered elsewhere so I don’t want to overlap here.  That is a whole post unto itself.  Here is a link to a term you should become familiar with

Malicious Mother Syndrome

and a link to one of my previous posts.

Link: “My Ex-wife won’t let me see my kids”

 

What are the parental alienation syndrome symptoms?

After seeing this firsthand for years on end it is quite easy to identify but for anyone else out there my children s behavior is seen as very different to what I consider to be reality.

Symptom 1: “I don’t want to go, I hate daddy, I don’t want to see him”

parental alienationWhen your kids say this, week in and week out you become quite immune to it, but someone seeing it for the first time has a very dramatic response. I know that it is all just a show to keep them in favor with their mother and that the minute she is out of the picture they are free to say whatever they really want to say (which is quite often the exact opposite). However, to someone new to the situation it is quite easy for them to jump to conclusions very quickly and brandish me with the all too typical BAD MAN tag. You know the common stereotype getting around the single mom communities – bad dad, beardo weirdo, creepy guy, scary man, angry man – and they are the nice ones, I have had male friends victimized to the tune of pedophiles and rapists (all false of course but we all know that false claims are part of the territory don’t we!)

So the symptom to look out for here is a completely different attitude of your children toward you under different circumstances.

Symptom 2: “All men are b#stards” and other mimicry

The phrase itself is not the important thing here it is the obvious mimicry your kids will show. They won’t understand it so it takes a very stable and very brave man to see beyond the face value of the insults and really understand the underlying motives. In these cases the children have been subjected to years of emotional manipulation so you can’t really blame them for not operating as a fully independent and stable person unto themselves.

Very seldom do I see the targets of these situations display the maturity and understanding required to shrug off the insults and long term attacks to come out of it still with the ability to offer support to help their children overcome the abuse that they are themselves needing help for. If you want that sort of help, that is what I am here for.

 

Does it have long term effects? Is it child abuse?

There is a meme getting around saying something to the effect of PARENTAL ALIENATION IS CHILD ABUSE. Whilst I agree with the sentiment I also don’t promote such a black and white view of the world. The children who are subjected to Parental Alienation are definitely subject to all sorts of nasty emotional manipulation, brainwashing and sometimes fear mongering but you have got to be very careful not to allow them to become lost in the real of victim hood. Victimhood is the state whereby they identify their entire self-worth based on their history. Obviously only negative self-worth can come from such an internal point of view but in practice what they gain is a very long line of people jumping out of their skins to focus more and more attention on victims (more attention is often misunderstood as popularity and false self-esteem follows).

Hope

I want you to watch this video. It has a very powerful message. It changed my trajectory the minute I stumbled across it by accident. Please share it with anyone you suspect has ever heard of the word or subjected to Parental Alienation.

 

 

 

 

 

22 Replies to “Forgotten Victims & Parental Alienation Syndrome?”

  1. My heart breaks for kids like this. It’s such a sad world we live in. There are plenty of good parents out there that just don’t get to see their kids because of controlling ex’s or other reasons. I remember when my uncle divorced, it was something like that. My cousins distanced themselves from us, but I wonder now if they were fighting this Parental Alienation Syndrome. I’m glad there is a way to reverse it though.

    1. PAS is becoming more and more common as the society becomes more narcissistic Cyrus.  I have got estranged family members all over the place.  For some reason man bashing and man hating has become a norm.

  2. I’m sorry you are going through this. Divorce is tough on kids and it really makes a mess of everyone involved, I feel. It’s so important that you don’t have the alienation from your kids if you want to make sure they still like and enjoy spending time around you. Hopefully your kids will be okay.

    1. Divorce can be as tough or as easy the related parties want to make it.  Hopefully someone can teach the kids how to shed all their childhood trauma after effects before they move into adulthood and repeat all the same mistakes.  

      That is called multi-generational trauma and it is very common.

  3. Hi, there

    I read every single word with you and it is so good for you to go out on this topic since you have experience of this and it tells me that you love your kids a lot, I have 3 children and love them a lot, It’s so right of you that they know a lot more than what we think.

    In my younger years, I drank a lot and my wife, and I were often fighting, and I can see it now after I stopped drinking what I was stupid, of course, this hit the kids and my oldest boy has it hard to be alone , and I think it’s all my fault.

    I think this is great for you to do this page and help others understand this, we need to think carefully about our children.

    Thank you very much for doing this.

    Best regardsSalomon.

    1. You can’t blame yourself for a bad marriage saloman.  It is supposed to be a partnership remember! 

      Your sons go through a major (physiological) life change about 15.  Give the relationship another chance about then.

  4. Hi Remy! Since I usually take time to read on children abuse, I came across to your article on Parental Alienation, and I don’t think that I’m in the wrong place since it is also being counted as a form of child abuse. The effects on the future of the children Parental Alienation has seems to be ignored by one of the parents and that’s a big mistake. Your article was beautifully written, engaging and at the same time very informative, which made me read from top to bottom.
    I can relate to parental alienation with one of my best friends suffering the divorce and the decision of the court to stay away from his children in certain distance, and that is very sad to someone who not long ago used to take care of their every need and is their natural father.

    What is the best step to take law-wise when facing a Parental Alienation situation?

    -Heku

    1. Unfortunately I have had the experience of trying to take such a matter to the family law courts.

      It is hard to write the rest of this comment without a lot of negativity but what I can say is that I got out the end of it knowing that I did everything I could to do the best for my kids (and they know it now).  The best I hope for is that when they become teenagers they will remember the fight I put up and come back to bridge the gap.

      What I took away from it all was that psychological matters are not black and white most of the time.  The court system operates in a black or white world.  Status quo rules supreme and will continue until the whole deck of cards is smashed down.

  5. Hello Remy,
    Being a wife for 49 years and a mother for 47 years, I can tell you your “green bean psychology” is spot-on correct! And yes, having a daughter and a son, I shudder to think about how life could have turned out for them! I have seen this
    Parental Alienation in both parents in families and the losers are always the children if they don’t get strong caring role models. We as parents need to forgive ourselves, then each other, then give to the family as a whole, Janice 2019 😊🌷

    1. thanks for the comments Janice I think.

      I have never heard the term greenbean psychology before so I am hoping it is a good thing.

  6. Wow I dont really know much on parental alienation syndrome not until  now you made a better view about it I have a kid I think she is suffering from this ailment  and I though maybe its kind of psychological  problems because he really very disrespectful  and get mad at every little things but now i have a better knowledge  about it now with the recommendations  and the video references  thanks so much for the post 

    1. you are welcome Rose.  Please don’t get sucked down the rabbit hole of medicating a child to make the problem less noticable.  What I have found is that doesn’t solve the underlying issue, exaggerates the problem and extends the trauma.

  7. It is a fact that so many children come from traumatized parents and grandparents who passed on their traumas to these kids. It also happened to me when I was a child, and it took me years to get over it … A divorce is a nasty thing to go through, and dragging kids through it is one of the worse things you can do to a child. My parents dragged me through their divorce, and it wasn’t a great experience, to say the least … I was 12 when it happened. The years after the divorce weren’t much better either. I got a step mother thrown in who pretended to like me but never did (I found that out 25 years later …) 

    My own mother has said bad things about my father, but my father has also done the same about my mother. There was a point where I told them both that they had to stop it, if my father didn’t like a certain characteristic of mine because it reminded him of my mother, I told him that I was still my mother’s daughter and he had to accept that. Vice versa for my mother, I said something similar to her. It isn’t easy, and your post totally resonates with me. So much pain that parents unwillingly cause their children … I am grateful that you are writing about this. 

    Symptom 2, “all men are bastards”, yep, my mom and her sister like to claim that one … I wouldn’t call it abuse, but all these things definitely have a long term effect on children that can last throughout their adult life. 

    1. I was 16 when my parents separated but my kids were all under the age of 8 when my wife left.  She had put a lot of thought into the best time to leave for the kids and decided it was the minute the youngest one was in school.

      I shudder to think how much planning had gone into it.

      One scary concept I am still struggling to comprehend is the thought that split families are not the minority anymore, do a quick poll around the school classroom and you will find the nuclear family is in the very small minority nowadays.

      Identity politics (& gender politics) pushed by the mainstream media and government doesn’t help the situation.

  8. It usually breaks my heart when I see children like this who have been sun=bjected to so much pain over the years. I think that it is the job of the parent to find a way to talk the kids out of this at a tender age before they get old because I think that does really have a lasting effect on them. Many kids will think that their other parents are evil when it is all the job of some sort of manipulation. Nice work!

    1. I have been doing more and more research into the topic Henderson and I am starting to look back into history and see how older civilisations have dealth with the problem of children successfully transitioning into adulthood.

      What I see more and more is that it is a community effort, not just the family effort.

      As more and more families are destructed I see it will only get harder and harder for the individual families to “fix” themselves.

      Some civilisation use certain rituals to leapfrog the mental damage suffered during childhood. 

      Stay tuned for more

      Is Initiation the lost path to Getting Rid of Emotional Baggage?

  9. I hadn’t heard a whole lot about Parental Alienation Syndrome until I came across your post here and this information is really helpful. I agree that PAS is all about the children. Sometimes a parent can be selfish so it is important to expose this fact so that the parent might take a long look in the mirror and change their ways. I’m not surprised to hear that no mention of trying to help the kids occurred in court proceedings. Sadly, it’s more about the process than actually helping the child. Your message of hope is great and I appreciate the awareness you’ve brought forth regarding Parental Alienation Syndrome, well done!

    1. cheers Pentrental,

      I don’t really know what to make of your screen name but …..\

      I try to be positive.  As time goes on it gets easier. 

  10. This is a very sensitive topic and a serious one as well. A friend told me that some feminists are what they have chosen to be because of the parental alienation syndrome that they have experienced even while growing up. This might have made them become really hostile and think that men are evil. They along the line become feminists because they become sensitive to everything a man does. This is one of the long term effects. Nice post!

    1. welcome John,

      Feminists are what they are mate.  I agree with your point of view but they are a very small minority, a very vocal minority but if the majority of people stopped blindly following their lead (in the name of political correctness etc.) the world would be a lot different.  for the better I think.

  11. It’s sad to see cases if divorce and in the end there is always a victim of circumstance which often is the kid in most cases. This situation here is really sad and the kids are suffering a lot. Personally, I wouldn’t want to grant a situation where a patent takes custody of a child and a parent isn’t permitted to see the kid. Some even go as far as nursing hatred for the parent who didn’t there.

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