It wasn’t until my oldest daughter started dating a low-life and I had to give her relationship advice that I realized I had trained my ex-husbands so hard (and far too successfully) into being the men I wanted them to be that they became the overly feminized husbands I despised.
I am going through a massive period of self reflection and learning as part of my Yoga training. Here is a topic that came up in a conversation at my book club a few weeks back. We are a circle of middle age women, mostly divorced moms past our primes now but still with it. Anyway, quite a few of us have teenage daughters and the conversations often turn to the teenage boys, relationships and also the type of advice we give our daughters as opposed to the advice we were given.
It is amazing what revelations can be made with a group of like-minded girls and a good supply of chardonnay.
He wasn’t feminized when I met him
It was when I looked at wedding photos again that I realized both my husbands were quite manly and rough around the edges when we walked down the aisle(s). 🙂 I am talking beards, muscles, body odor, hairy chests and whole caboodle. They were both very protective of their mothers though, I knew that and didn’t mine at the time. RED FLAG.
5 Benefits of a Feminized Husband
The benefits are undeniable once you have kids. Having a feminized husband is the next best thing to having another mother there I guess. I can imagine similar benefits would come in lesbian relationships when two moms are on deck all the time. Here is my list
- foot massages
- he can cook
- he will look after the kids while you go out with your girlfriends (or male friends)
- he is always there to carry all those pesky bags and boxes that come with you everywhere (nappy bags, strollers, prams, boxes, groceries etc)
- sometimes it is just fun to watch him squirm
How does one learn to feminize a husband?
If I had to summarize it down to 10 steps of how it happened for me anyway:
- The Hook – during the first few months to a year offer up sex and often and as varied as you need to get him to he loves you. You may need to push hard but if he doesn’t take the bait you may need to diversify. Sometimes you will have to cut your losses and try a different fish because your fertility window shuts.
- Leisure time – his leisure time was turned into my leisure time
- Social circles – time for him to grow up and mix in proper circles
- His friends – had to go
- His Family – were distanced
- Move in with him – redecorate and girlify; that is not a word but I like it still.
- Merge Finances – then spend, spend, spend
- Use sex as a reward for him – this started early, works best sparingly
- Steer his career into something that better fits
- His Long term goals – turned into mine or eradicated altogether
The disgusting part when you look back on it was just how natural it all came. My mother and her friends played a big part in shaping my expectations for a marriage and also on molding my behaviors towards a man. From the moment when as a girl I dreamed about getting married and being a mother. Way back then I had started to create my own fairy tale view of what it was going to look like.
One reality sets in and you see that the fairy tale won’t happen by itself that is when I found myself having to train him. Sitcoms and romance novels did a great job of steering the path too.
His response was less than ideal – Compliance!
Do you know how you say one thing but you really mean something completely different? It is hard to put into words. It must be a thing about being a woman – the words that come out often mean something completely different to us than they do to our husbands. Why can’t they just understand what we are trying to say without us having to say it.
He just went along with it and did whatever I told him to do as long as he was still getting fed and getting sex. In hindsight, we were both duped.
If he got Feminized – did I get Masculine?
If I believe my yoga teacher I need to think of the world as a balance of good and evil, masculine and feminine, strong and weak, hot and cold etc. So I posed the question – If my husband became magically feminized during the marriage does that mean that I had to be turning masculine?
It is a very scary question to ponder so I resorted to a weekend away with my best friend a case of wine and some serious soul-searching. After a week of sifting through old photos, watching old videos and most shockingly reading my Facebook history the results were in.
Yes, the long haired feminine beauty that was me in my 20s transformed into something a lot less fragile and a lot more “rough around the edges.” I have got hair now in places I never thought possible and I don’t bother landscaping it, I fixed a broken door the other day and I drive a pickup.
I know that doesn’t count for much but the whole process definitely changed me as a woman into a very different type of woman.
5 Downsides of a Feminized Husband
Of course we live in an imperfect world so all the pros apparently need to be balanced out with cons. During my marriage(s) I really would have struggled to come up with anything to put on this list but now (I have been without man for a long time) all the downsides are quite obvious because the fog of selfishness has been lifted. Here is the list:
- the more feminized he becomes the worse the sex gets
- he will reach a plateau in his career where he won’t earn any more money and motivation to do so vanishes
- he gets fat and lazy
- the mood swings can be almost as bad as mine were
- eventually he becomes worn down by all the mind games, traps and guilt trips etc and they lose all their effectiveness. He is a lot like a limp fish by now. Not good for much at all beyond money, ironing, cooking and cleaning.
- it is hard work taking charge all the time
- another kid to look after
- the prince in the fairy tale is never effeminate – these feminised men will never save you girls in distress.
Oops I went a bit over.
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As a single mother of two beautiful girls I hope my experiences can inspire and motivate all you other magical moms out there to win the game of life. I am twice divorced. I am independent and I am working hard to put a roof over my own head.