I am dedicating this post to a good friend. Hambo constantly rings me up late at night (usually half cut) complaining about his life and telling me “My marriage is boring and she won’t BLEEP me anymore”.
I am going to share the harsh truths that he doesn’t want to hear and will probably be uncomfortable to hear for the first time. It is for your own good.
The emotion of Love is just a chemical reaction designed by evolution to get you to reproduce. Once the babies are made it fades away and life after that is back to where you started but it now seems boring in comparison.
The best advice I can provide is to make an independent review of your situation. Take a long hard look at yourself. Don’t waste time criticizing, blaming or reviewing your partner. You can’t change them.
I wish everyone understood that concept, You can’t change someone else. You can change yourself and it is something that most of us don’t cotton on to until we hit our rock bottom and have to put the piece back together. Here is a link to an article I wrote about the brilliant opportunities rock bottom presents.
Take a good hard look at some of the red flags that are waving at you. I will share with you a few that I totally denied.
Red Flag – The constant nagging stopped. Looking back once it stopped it meant she had written me off.
Red Flag – The mind games stepped up a notch. Shit-tests became a sport. Gaslighting became an art form. (let me know if you don’t know what these are)
Red Flag – We went to separate social functions. Our lives were growing apart.
Red Flag – We went on separate holidays.
Red Flag – She became a lot more interested in getting herself out there on social media apps.
Red Flag – Time with your children gets slowly taken away from you
These are just a few of the red flags I completely missed. I this encourages you to take stock. The human ego is very good at creating a sense of denial over these types of things. Don’t miss the red flags and if you are lucky enough to have someone in your life who can see what you can’t, talk it out.
The influence of life stages
Don’t overlook the big picture of your life and your partners life. There are some big life stages that scare people and make them do stupid things. Here are a few that seem to trigger bouts of unhappiness in marriages:
- last kid going off to school
- entering into midlife (mid 30;s)
- or entering into retirement (mid 60s)
- first kid is born
- best friends or best friends getting divorced (or remarried)
Human nature always makes people take stock at these times and make them think that life is greener on the other side.
The culture we live in makes it easier to throw the towel in and force change rather than ride out the challenges in life.
I don’t want to state a lot of hard numbers here because I know the fact is that any numbers and any statistics can be skewed to make them say what you want to say.
Here is a very general overview:
- people are getting married later in life
- majority of cases it is the women who end the marriage (in the order of 70%)
- the bulk of the people give the following reason for the split ; grown apart
- around 50% of all marriage end up in divorce
- The rate of marriage is declining
- Second marriages are even more likely to end in divorce (in the order of 70%)
If you want to delve into the numbers more than I have here are some more resources.
No fault divorce
The most important concept that the majority of married people don’t understand is just how easy it is and just how much encouragement you will get from governments, legal systems and business to end your marriage. The no fault divorce laws mean that you don’t even have to have any irreconcilable differences, you just need a desire to separate.
I strongly believe the No fault divorce laws are harmful. Married couples should be encourages to at least try to talk it out.
Survey the competition – how do you stack up?
What competition? I hear you ask.
The reality is gentlemen that today a lot of the services you offer as a husband can still be gotten from you as an ex-husband. The government benefits offered to women who have young kids and who are divorced make it impossible to compete against financially for most of us mere mortal men. Additional funding offered to a woman when she cries victim is also a game changer.
The reality is gentlewomen that today a lot of the service you offer as a woman can be gotten elsewhere, men can do themselves or can be paid for. There are entire services industries now set up to make women’s home lives easier that can just as easily be adopted by men. Here are a few examples cleaning services, home cooked meals delivered, prostitution, erotic dolls & robots, ironing services, adoption, tinder, and more.
Old man story
One old bloke in a bar told me once his secret to a 40-year-old marriage “treat her like a 3-year old”. When I asked him to elaborate he added “shiny things make her tick (that’s your leverage over her), bad behaviour needs to be met with strict consequences and lower your expectations of her, very low.
What message do you want to tell your younger self?
If I had just five minutes to sit down with my 20 year old self what sorts of wisdom would I want to impart on me. Here is my crack at it
- do not put all your eggs in one basket
- you do not need a happy wife to be happy yourself
- you cannot make someone else happy
- put yourself first. You can’t help others if you don’t take the time to help yourself
- if she doesn’t want to be happy, she never will be
- recon the mother-in-law (that will give you a good indication of your future)
- flush out your childhood mental issues and deal with them before you get married
- don’t married someone who hasn’t also dealt with their childhood mental issues
- I read this little test somewhere in a good that is gold
- if you want to get an idea about your future with you wife to be picture your dominant parent partnered with her dominant parent, How would they get along? We tend to mimic our dominant parents.