If you are a man and trapped in an unhappy marriage like I was you have more than likely have been isolated and articles like this one are the only help you can find. Marriage help for men tends to go along the lines of try harder, give more, stop being so selfish etc. If you receive that kind of advice ignore it, those people (whether male or female) do not see you as a human being and have got you pegged as some sort of robotic provider of strength and resources to your wife. I know that is not true, you know that is not true and anyone who sees you anything less than an emotion filled human being with needs and desires (same as your wife) can go and fend for themselves.
If you are a man what have grown up in a western civilization and married to a western woman you have been and continue to be subjected to a whole series of male shaming techniques that women are teaching each other but the bulk of men haven’t clued onto yet.
Shame is the feeling that you are a person with low value. These messages get sent to us from the day we are born. Example 1: A crying male baby/infant is immediately deemed more capable (than a female baby/infant) of looking after itself.
If you don’t believe me go to a mother group chose two babies the same age, one male – one female, wait for them both to cry and watch the baby girl get smother with attention first while the boy is left a little bit longer because he can deal with it.
Example 2: Shit Testing is when you wife asks you to do something you don’t want to do, she doesn’t want you to do, probably doesn’t need to be done and may even be impossible to do. She does this just to test you to see if you are man enough to stand up to her. If you do stand up to her, she will insult you for not providing for her and say things like “Don’t you care about me,” or “Aren’t you man enough, Are you gay?”.
This could be something as menial as sending you out to do the groceries, not giving you a full list of things required, then berating you in front of guests for not getting the exotic cheese only she knew she wanted.
It could also be something a lot more substantial like proposing a threesome with someone she knows is a fine specimen. You can’t win in that situation no matter which way you go mate. If you indicate a yes, you are an adultery, if you indicate a no, you are a limp dick.
One more example goes like this; You have got work to do around the house that involves making loud noises (such as nailing or power tools or even just starting up the car), she will find a reason for you to have to be quiet (kids are asleep, she is on the phone, visitors are there, she wants to watch TV). You will find yourself in another one or her no win situations; do the work make the noise and you are going against her need for quiet; don’t to the work and get berated for being a lazy do nothing slob that doesn’t pull your weigh around the house.
This last example could even include domestic duties like cooking or cleaning. How often do you get berated for cooking something that isn’t the same way she cooks it or cleaning something different to the way she does it?
There is only one way to win in the game men, that is to see the games for what they really are (emotional manipulation) and call her out on it chances are she has learned this behavior from her mother or friends and just thinks it is fun to annoy you while she gets that little bit more power over you.
Domestic Violence Against Men
I feel obliged to open up this topic here. If you don’t want to hear it, stuff you. It is common and men are routinely shamed into swallowing their emotions and becoming dealing with abuse on their own without help.
The very definition of domestic violence is commonly explained as violence against women.
Why is it that in a domestic violence situation the following assumption are automatically made
- females are automatically the victim because they are female
- females don’t use physical violence or weapons
- females don’t provoke
- female can’t defend themselves
- all domestic violence is physical
- a woman’s word is gospel, no verification needed
- women lie routinely but that is OK because they are the victim
I may not have communicated the assumption in the best way but you get my drift. A situation has been created whereby all women are perpetual victims and all men are perpetual wrongdoers. If women really want equality they will start taking responsibility for their actions and calling each other out for underhanded behavior like this.
The types of domestic violence that men experience and they don’t want to talk about go like this
- financial control (wife controls all his money)
- shame (wife constantly manipulates him into feeling worthless; she does this by nagging, shit testing, gaslighting, shaming language, control of intimacy,)
- time control (wife control off his time)
- constant threat of divorce and the associated financial ruin and emotional ruin
- child access and alienation from the children (very common)
- isolation from your friends and family
- no involvement in decision-making
- a lot more but this topic makes me sick and brings back too many bad memories.
What is Marriage
If we can take a step back now and ask ourselves exactly what is marriage?
It’s certainly not a commitment two people make to each other anymore. That concept got thrown out the window when no fault divorces were introduced. No fault divorce is the legal concept which means either party in the marriage can end the marriage at any time for no reason whatsoever, with no questions asked.
It is certainly nothing that binds two people together anymore.
Marriage is not a joining a two families, or a means of strengthing social ties between groups of people anymore.
So what the hell is it then?
I wish I knew, it seems to be a dysfunctional relic left over from a bygone era which is now twisted by the government to serve their agenda. It has also because a feminist playground for women to join forces with government and extract enormous amounts of money from loving husbands.
The Third Partner in your marriage
The government has creates numerous way of taxing divorced men in addition to the standard taxes everyone pays. That is everyone who chooses to work, don’t get me started on people who chose not to work.
Entire industries and entire professions have popped up to squeeze out every scrap of money from a dying marriage; family courts/divorce courts, divorce lawyers, welfare systems, child support, alimony, palimony, spousal allowances, social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, mediators, forensic accountants and an ever-increasing list.
Even more shocking, I think, is the modern era of female group think whereby a man essentially marries a female who is innately joined to a social group (sometimes a small local group of family members; other times a large multi-national group of militant radicals) where she confides, conspires and deliberates on everything she quickly becomes convinced she is”entitled” to. If you are the poor man in this situation that is why you feel like the more you give the more demands you get back, there is always someone elses in the group who is happy to grind you into the millstone that little bit more and demand you work that little bit harder, for her.
The road to recovery Starts With This – Find Yourself
There is a very good chance if you a married man and looking for help on the internet it is because you are in a bad way, you have become isolated and have been made to feel like you are at fault.
Let me start by saying that a bad marriage is not solely your fault, both parties need to be at fault for a marriage to become bad.
More importantly, you are not alone. When I started opening up and telling other men about how bad things were at home I reckon 9 out of 10 men reciprocated their stories and everyone’s marriages were miserable. All their wives were playing the same stupid mind games and using the same manipulation techniques.
Divorce is not the end of the world. There is a great amount of triumph and freedom you get from losing everything then recalibrating and dealing with it.
Find some activities you like doing and make you feel good. I started lifting weights for the first time in my life at the age of 38. The wife thought I was going through a mid-life crisis and tried to put a stop to it. If you get accused of having a mid-life crisis you are probably on the right track. It means you are putting yourself first.
My final thought is this one: Don’t waste your energy trying to change someone else; change can only come from within. Focus on improving yourself and your own mental health.
If you are not married and contemplating it, run a mile, marriage is an instituion that only service of turn men into wage slaves.
Hi there, My friends call me Remy. I am a middle aged divorcee that has decided not to walk the path other people decided to set down for me. I have gained the most strength in my life from my failures. Resilience is a very powerful attribute if you can manage it, I am still building mine up but stick with me and we can forge ahead together.