Marriage Help for Men. Are You Trapped In a Nightmare?

marriage help for men

If you are a man and trapped in an unhappy marriage like I was you have more than likely have been isolated and articles like this one are the only help you can find. Marriage help for men tends to go along the lines of try harder, give more, stop being so selfish etc. If you receive that kind of advice ignore it, those people (whether male or female) do not see you as a human being and have got you pegged as some sort of robotic provider of strength and resources to your wife. I know that is not true, you know that is not true and anyone who sees you anything less than an emotion filled human being with needs and desires (same as your wife) can go and fend for themselves.

Shame

If you are a man what have grown up in a western civilization and married to a western woman you have been and continue to be subjected to a whole series of male shaming techniques that women are teaching each other but the bulk of men haven’t clued onto yet.

Shame is the feeling that you are a person with low value. These messages get sent to us from the day we are born. Example 1: A crying male baby/infant is immediately deemed more capable (than a female baby/infant) of looking after itself.

If you don’t believe me go to a mother group chose two babies the same age, one male – one female, wait for them both to cry and watch the baby girl get smother with attention first while the boy is left a little bit longer because he can deal with it.

Example 2: Shit Testing is when you wife asks you to do something you don’t want to do, she doesn’t want you to do, probably doesn’t need to be done and may even be impossible to do. She does this just to test you to see if you are man enough to stand up to her. If you do stand up to her, she will insult you for not providing for her and say things like “Don’t you care about me,” or “Aren’t you man enough, Are you gay?”.

This could be something as menial as sending you out to do the groceries, not giving you a full list of things required, then berating you in front of guests for not getting the exotic cheese only she knew she wanted.

It could also be something a lot more substantial like proposing a threesome with someone she knows is a fine specimen. You can’t win in that situation no matter which way you go mate. If you indicate a yes, you are an adultery, if you indicate a no, you are a limp dick.

One more example goes like this; You have got work to do arounmarriage_secretsd the house that involves making loud noises (such as nailing or power tools or even just starting up the car), she will find a reason for you to have to be quiet (kids are asleep, she is on the phone, visitors are there, she wants to watch TV). You will find yourself in another one or her no win situations; do the work make the noise and you are going against her need for quiet; don’t to the work and get berated for being a lazy do nothing slob that doesn’t pull your weigh around the house.

This last example could even include domestic duties like cooking or cleaning. How often do you get berated for cooking something that isn’t the same way she cooks it or cleaning something different to the way she does it?

There is only one way to win in the game men, that is to see the games for what they really are (emotional manipulation) and call her out on it chances are she has learned this behavior from her mother or friends and just thinks it is fun to annoy you while she gets that little bit more power over you.

Domestic Violence Against Men

I feel obliged to open up this topic here. If you don’t want to hear it, stuff you. It is common and men are routinely shamed into swallowing their emotions and becoming dealing with abuse on their own without help.

The very definition of domestic violence is commonly explained as violence against women.

Why is it that in a domestic violence situation the following assumption are automatically made

  • females are automatically the victim because they are female
  • females don’t use physical violence or weapons
  • females don’t provoke
  • female can’t defend themselves
  • all domestic violence is physical
  • a woman’s word is gospel, no verification needed
  • women lie routinely but that is OK because they are the victim

I may not have communicated the assumption in the best way but you get my drift. A situation has been created whereby all women are perpetual victims and all men are perpetual wrongdoers. If women really want equality they will start taking responsibility for their actions and calling each other out for underhanded behavior like this.

The types of domestic violence that men experience and they don’t want to talk about go like this

  • financial control (wife controls all his money)Marriage dead weight
  • shame (wife constantly manipulates him into feeling worthless; she does this by nagging, shit testing, gaslighting, shaming language, control of intimacy,)
  • time control (wife control off his time)
  • constant threat of divorce and the associated financial ruin and emotional ruin
  • child access and alienation from the children (very common)
  • isolation from your friends and family
  • no involvement in decision-making
  • a lot more but this topic makes me sick and brings back too many bad memories.

What is Marriage

If we can take a step back now and ask ourselves exactly what is marriage?Wife Ball & Chain

It’s certainly not a commitment two people make to each other anymore. That concept got thrown out the window when no fault divorces were introduced. No fault divorce is the legal concept which means either party in the marriage can end the marriage at any time for no reason whatsoever, with no questions asked.

It is certainly nothing that binds two people together anymore.

Marriage is not a joining a two families, or a means of strengthing social ties between groups of people anymore.

So what the hell is it then?

I wish I knew, it seems to be a dysfunctional relic left over from a bygone era which is now twisted by the government to serve their agenda. It has also because a feminist playground for women to join forces with government and extract enormous amounts of money from loving husbands.

The Third Partner in your marriage

The government has creates numerous way of taxing divorced men in addition to the standard taxes everyone pays. That is everyone who chooses to work, don’t get me started on people who chose not to work.

Entire industries and entire professions have popped up to squeeze out every scrap of money from a dying marriage; family courts/divorce courts, divorce lawyers, welfare systems, child support, alimony, palimony, spousal allowances, social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, mediators, forensic accountants and an ever-increasing list.

Even more shocking, I think, is the modern era of female group think whereby big daddy governmenta man essentially marries a female who is innately joined to a social group (sometimes a small local group of family members; other times a large multi-national group of militant radicals) where she confides, conspires and deliberates on everything she quickly becomes convinced she is”entitled” to. If you are the poor man in this situation that is why you feel like the more you give the more demands you get back, there is always someone elses in the group who is happy to grind you into the millstone that little bit more and demand you work that little bit harder, for her.

The road to recovery Starts With This – Find Yourself

 

There is a very good chance if you a married man and looking for help on the internet it is because you are in a bad way, you have become isolated and have been made to feel like you are at fault.

Let me start by saying that a bad marriage is not solely your fault, both parties need to be at fault for a marriage to become bad.

More importantly, you are not alone. When I started opening up and telling other men about how bad things were at home I reckon 9 out of 10 men reciprocated their stories and everyone’s marriages were miserable. All their wives were playing the same stupid mind games and using the same manipulation techniques.

Divorce is not the end of the world. There is a great amount of triumph and freedom you get from losing everything then recalibrating and dealing with it.

Find some activities you like doing and make you feel good. I started lifting weights for the first time in my life at the age of 38. The wife thought I was going through a mid-life crisis and tried to put a stop to it. If you get accused of having a mid-life crisis you are probably on the right track. It means you are putting yourself first.

My final thought is this one: Don’t waste your energy trying to change someone else; change can only come from within. Focus on improving yourself and your own mental health.

If you are not married and contemplating it, run a mile, marriage is an instituion that only service of turn men into wage slaves.

 

 

 

 

Hi there, My friends call me Remy. I am a middle aged divorcee that has decided not to walk the path other people decided to set down for me. I have gained the most strength in my life from my failures. Resilience is a very powerful attribute if you can manage it, I am still building mine up but stick with me and we can forge ahead together.

10 Replies to “Marriage Help for Men. Are You Trapped In a Nightmare?”

  1. Hi Remy. Some really interesting points u raise here. I have been divorced twice now, the first was mutual and we parted friends and had the marriage annulled actually but the second was hell. My ex did pretty much all that u have described here. And the divorce was, of course, my fault too. Having said all that, it was a pleasure to read this and to know that the word is getting out. Great article and keep them coming. 🙂

    Carl

    1. thanks for the comment carl,
      that is the first time I heard heard the words divorce and pleasure in the same sentence though 🙂

      I am still totally amazed by the similarity in stories that a lot of divorced men have.
      There seems to be a lot more solidarity and sharing amongst men after their divorces than there is between married men or unmarried men.
      Still nowhere near enough to stop the trend from continuing though.

      I had a comment from someone on their third divorce last week, but please don’t take that as a challenge.
      I hope you have learned your lesson Carl and don’t end up going through it all a third time.
      Feel free to share your experiences here with other men so we can all learn from the experiences of others.

  2. wow…What a great article and spot on! These are the same stories I keep hearing from my friends, I will certainly give them your website link.

    When I got divorced things could have turned out very bad for me however I was lucky that my ex wife was sensible and could see through the lawyers greed to prolong the case so they could charge more fees. We got divorced and I thank God we can still be civil and talk to each other when we sometimes meet to celebrate our childrens achievments.

    I totally agree with you these days marriage really means nothing, this is the reason 4 out 5 marriages are ending in divorce in the first 5 years. This is starting to happen even in countries where divorce was unheard of.

    My personal belief is that the roles of men and women have become confused where no one really knows how they should act. For example women want you to open the car door for them but then they also want to be equal in every respect at the same time. They want equality but at the same time when you take them out they expect you to pay for everything, even when they are also working! You offer them a seat on the bus/train and the look they give you is enough for me now to close my eyes and pretend to be sleeping when I see a woman standing! There are countless more examples like this where men or least I feel confused and sometimes I don’t know what I should be doing.

    In the old days roles were clear, the woman was in charge of the house and the man was the provider for the family. Now as you say the Government has made divorce too easy and at the smallest disagreement people rush for divorce. This is really sad!

    Don’t get me wrong I am not against women having equality in the workplace and being paid the same as the man if she is doing the same job. However we have to recognise men and women are different and it is not always possible to have 100% equality in everything!

    1. Welcome to the site Moni and thanks for sharing, you are obviously part of the growing number of men waking up to the realities of the modern world. Unfortunately for far too many men it takes a divorce (or two) to break free from the social conditioning and see relationships for what they have become. I am writing another article on hypoagency now and your comments have inspired me to stick out writing on such a difficult subject. Basically hypoagency, in it’s worst form, is a woman’s tendency to jump between poor little victim and empowered women capable of equality at the drop of a hat to suit the situation.
      I am trying to raise two boys (and a girl) and trying to work out how to teach them exactly what masculinity is these days. It is a challenge I am joining forces with other men to try and solve. I don’t think that male nature has changed at all over the millennia, female nature hasn’t either for that matter; but the social construct and the government intervention has been ramped up to suppress our freedom to be ourselves.
      Men still want to take care of women and women still want to make babies. Problem is that these two life goals are becoming more and more segregated & independent of each other while the governments and minority groups try to grow that wedge bigger and bigger.

  3. So I want to comment because I really do want to understand men’s perspectives, but it’s really difficult to find the right words because, from my own perspective you are so right, yet so wrong all at the same time.
    I have had many conversations with men over the years, I have worked 17yrs dealing cards which has given me opportunity to interact with people in non-sexual, and non-competitive, non-threatening circumstances (except for the part where I was taking their money because they kept losing the game : / ) From these conversations/interactions I’ve learned that men are almost as different from each other as women are different from men, and women are equally as different from other women. I know that you guys get that and that you are venting your frustrations here and while I’m sure it seems like all or most women fit the descriptions above, you must know that it isn’t really true of ALL women.
    That being said, do you think that we might be able to have a real and honest conversation here, in front of and with everyone who wants to politely contribute?
    The first question I’ll ask is (I know, I know, guys hate questions.. sorry): When guys are talking about men and women being equal, what exactly does that mean in your eyes? And how does that change your idea of how men and women should treat each other?
    (ok, that was 3 questions, sorry again. I’ll try to keep it to 1 at a time. It’s hard) ; )

    1. I really don’t think that women can keep relying on men to solve all their problems. You want to be equals, you got it. Solve your own issues.
      I believe you when you say you are capable of doing everything a man can do and you don’t need us.
      There is a small group of women already way ahead of the game.
      Here is a list of videos to watch,
      https://youtu.be/FaDdT3olWac
      https://youtu.be/KObTMXH2xaE
      https://youtu.be/juR74OYiegY
      https://youtu.be/kkCQvuWw2HI
      https://youtu.be/8T3qoBjzRMs
      https://youtu.be/vvrxQ4M3EOo

    1. The passive aggressive is very common. During my court ordered mediation proceedings i found myself in a negotiation with the ex-wife where she brought out her A-game of passive aggression. The female social worker saw straight through it and shot her down in flames then pulled me aside to re-assure me that these passive aggressive techniques are extremely common in her experience and it’s a sign of an immature individual with nothing constructive to contribute.

  4. Hey, I’m Jay, I was married to my wife for 11 years. She was constantly shit testing me. The problem was I did not know. She played me like a deck of cards and I just kept getting abused and belittled. I was ignorant to what was going on. I just thought she was a bitch.
    My ex is a type A, very smart and good looking women. Over the course of our marriage the first 5 or 6 years were great. Then it just got bad, no sex, shaming, constant shit tests. Of course she was my best friend still, as I only spent time outside of work with her. We had two sons, I am a great father to them, who was involved with every aspect of the baby years. I also did not know about Alpha traits. Of course when I was younger I was very confident and good looking so I hauled it in. So I went through my marriage not leading, not making decisions, trying to be the best partner I could be. A genuine nice guy! I got trampled, as the years went by the tests were flowing and I was loosing every one of them. With kids the stakes were higher for her, so that meant more tests for me. After 9 years I had to switch jobs, that was very difficult because my self confidence was in the toilet. I found a new job and it kept me away from her more then I had been before, that made things much worse. My leadership skills declined, my assertiveness declined, I was an ineffective leader. My job suffered. She became unbearable to be around.
    The next year we drifted apart and she lost attraction for the pussy she had made me into. then a year later we got divorced. I came out alright, (we did good on our house), my sacrifice was we moved back to the city she grew up in. I’m sure that is what saved me from complete divorce destruction. 8 months have gone by and then I learned she had a boyfriend. All the memories and feelings came back like we were never apart. I lost my shit bad. She knew she broke a rule by introducing are children to the rebound guy. That was a dark couple of weeks, then I started learning. I originally was just looking to up my game. Then I stumbled on all this information that I never knew. Oh my God!
    I was pissed! Why didn’t anyone tell me? I could have saved my marriage and done so much more with my life.
    I read about sub conscious shit tests, female body language, Alpha males, the rebound guy, pre-selection, the blue pill, the red pill all sorts of information that blew my mind! Some of it was from self help sites to win your ex back too. I pieced together what had happened to me and my marriage. I had no clue. I was slowly emasculated over the course of 11 years. I shared what I had learned to my ex, hoping that she would understand that it was not her fault and that it was a sub conscious primal instinct that ruined our marriage and of course my ignorance. I wanted her to know that I could easily change now that I knew the truth. She kinda blew me off. I was ok with that though as I knew that I had to let go of the hurt, anger and resentment. I did. I forgave her.
    I don’t know what she knew, did she do it on purpose, who knows. I just could not live that life of negativity any more.
    All of the sudden my burden was lifted, I felt as if I had an spiritual awakening. Strange things were happening around me. I felt connected to strangers like I knew them for years, strange coincidental communications with relatives I had not talked with for years, (one who is working to be a life coach), started happening. Learning more about the people I work with and bonding with them. Discovering more and more of what lies beneath the surface. Well, that is where I am now, Trying to rebuild my life, my confidence, assertiveness and my body. I am reading and using positive reinforcement as well as relatives and friends to build myself back up. Although I feel my journey has now begun I cant help but wonder, Why, Why Me? Why didn’t anyone tell me what was going on? After learning all that, I would think that would be covered in sex ed. or psychology classes in high school. My dad, did he know? My mom? my friends? How deep is the betrayal? Is there a war going on between the sexes? Do feminist control the world? With women able to provide for them selves, what becomes of the primal instincts? I have so many questions. I want to shout off of roof tops to save others from my fate. I obviously am not the only one. Why do the therapist not tell you what’s really going on? Thanks for listening, Jay

    1. I am very glad you reached out jeff.
      Firstly I want to say that you are not alone, the more men tell me their stories the more I realise that our stories are all very much the same. I have contact with a small handful of men who are working on solutions, which I am sure you can help us with. I can’t do a response the correct justice here within the comments section so I plan to write a separate post dedicated to your comments. In the meantime stay strong and we will communicate via email. The book I recommended on my site “rebuilding when your relationship ends” is very valuable, even several years after the breakup to start your journey of introspection. I had a very interesting weekend working on my own spirituality which blew my mind and may take a few days to get grounded again.

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