How to get over divorce & Soldier On to something much better

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Sorry to hear you have asked How to get over divorce?

It is usually not the sort of question I would expect someone to ask google unless they are slap bang in the middle of it. I am going to lay down a handful of things that helped me, some physical/material things and a lot of more spiritual/psychological types of things.

I am going to keep this post nice and short and to the point. In no particular Order.

1. The realization that divorced people make up the majority of adults now.

As you start telling people you are going through divorce an amazing thing will happen to you. Two out of three people will relate to you story because they have been through it before. I even got quite a lot of men telling me about their second and third divorces. Stupid.

2. Letting Go

My lawyer and other people like that keep advising me to take the high road when going through the divorce courts.

Of course, it didn’t seem like very good advice at the start but as the months went by and you work through the denial phase eventually you have to do something to progress.

Here is a link to a video which made a world of difference to me in the field of letting go. Stick it out for a good ten minute this Buddhist monk dude is pretty funny once you watch a bit. He makes most of us mere mortals seem very one dimensional.

3. Educate Yourself

You might immediately think to learn about your rights as a parent to get access to see your kids or start researching property settlements but that is not what I am talking about here.

Mental stimulation is what I am talking about. Pick a topic you love learning about as a teenager and pick it back up again. Play an instrument. Take an online course. Read a book. Where you are going you will need a lot of new skills.

 

4. Stupid destructive things make the path steeper

skull-and-crossbonesMaybe for most of you I should be saying “Don’t continue doing stupid destructive things.” Stress, depression, isolation, divorce and alcohol all form a very destructive pentagon shape. It will destroy you, but you know that already.

There is also a myriad of smaller more subtle things that you should look out for. Don’t skip meals because the stress is ruining your appetite. Don’t shut yourself off from sunlight. Don’t watch too much daytime TV that stuff will shrink your balls in no time.

 

5. Exercise can be used for your mental health not just your physical health

I can’t say I have ever heard anyone say this but I found a very useful way of managing my mental health was exercise. I didn’t start exercising until about 6 months prior to my divorce so I was a noob gym goer but I kept at it because it made me feel mentally better than it made me feel physically.

Bike riding was brilliant for the fresh air and sunlight but running was required when a serious stress needed to be lifted. It hurt like hell. When you vomit or black out you know you have overdone it. You will learn.

 

6. Spirituality

I am not going about organized religion I am talking about connecting with nature, humankind and ultimately looking into your self to discover who you really are.

I found this to be the real turnaround point on divorce recovery but also on just the personal growth that comes with it. Once you get over the angry phase of blaming the ex or blaming the society or blaming the world you will start looking in on yourself not to blame yourself but to improve yourself.

Be selfish. Spent time alone. Meditate. Lose the distractions.

Check out this website for more on the topic  http://actualized.org/

7. Choose an enemy worth defeating or a target worth achieving

One you have made to stop looking back and start looking forward you are going to find a big chasm of nothing waiting for you.

I hope you have taken my previous advice and chose not to walk the same path back into marriage again (or a similar relationship with a similar type of partner). So many people just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again and whinging that their fairy tale never comes. Don’t be one of those fools.

I am going to close this article with one suggestion for an enemy worth defeating and one target worth setting your sites on.

man-handcuffs-freedomChoose one of your addictions as your enemy. I choose to fight my dependency on working a 9 to 5 job just to pay taxes of child support that benefits everyone else but me. Hence, the website. You could choose your belly fat, your alcoholic addition, your addition to internet porn or cigarettes.

Lasting set your sites on a target. I started out small. Run a 5klm long fun run. Then worked my way up. Decouple myself from the mainstream rat race of a job, create an alternative income stream and change careers.

Let me know which parts you need more help with, I hope the topic provoked some action and as always please share with someone who needs it and comment below.

If it helps get yourself a mantra (or slogan to motivate yourself particular first thing in the morning). Here is a good one courtesy of the band Rage Again The Machine – “F$ck you I won’t do what you tell me.”

 

 

 

 

 

Hi there, My friends call me Remy. I am a middle aged divorcee that has decided not to walk the path other people decided to set down for me. I have gained the most strength in my life from my failures. Resilience is a very powerful attribute if you can manage it, I am still building mine up but stick with me and we can forge ahead together.

2 Replies to “How to get over divorce & Soldier On to something much better”

  1. Thanks for these tips. I know a few people who have gone through divorce, and it definitely isn’t fun.

    However like you said I think it’s important to stay busy and not dwell on things or look to the past — but rather focus on the future and be grateful for what you do have.

    1. cheers Michael thanks for dropping in.

      Keeping busy, mindless distraction and affirmative actions are three completely different things.  It is very easy for the majority of people to just numb the pain by turning to alcohol.

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