It wasn’t all that long ago that I typed these very words into Google “DIVORCE HELP FOR MEN”. The results were pitiful. At worst, I found myself on male bashing sites stereotyping all men as brute thugs obsessed with beating women at every opportunity. At best, I found myself on sites full of encouragement to sweep all my pain under the rug, “man up”, get back on the horse, jump back into another relationship, and with the help of another woman get my life back “on track”. Neither of these recovery strategies were palatable to me so I had to try something different.
Tyler Durden would put it like this “We’re a generation of men raised by women. I’m wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.”
If you are searching for help to get through your own disastrous divorce or separation, welcome to a safe place, my philosophy to recover didn’t fit onto the spectrum. I encourage you to do the same, jump off the acceptable spectrum and create your own process.
I don’t know exactly why I started this site but hopefully If you have typed in the same query that I did and found yourself here I can provide you with a pathway to work through the creation your own process and a swift recovery.
The first nugget of truth I want you to remember is this:
Men age like fine wine, Women age like milk.
If you understand this, its not hard to see, she has just thrown away her best asset (You). Now you have more options you didn’t have before and she has fewer options than she did before.
YouTube & The Manosphere
There is a world of useful information on the internet available for you to help you get through your divorce. The thing I found is that I couldn’t find it on my own. I was lucky I had someone point me in the right direction (by accident). I hope I you found your way here in time. Here are a few searches you should type into google to get you started on your journey to recovery
- YouTube MGTOW
- Reddit Manosphere
- Recommended YouTube content providers (in no apparent order)
- Thinking ape (aka stardusk)
- MGTOW is freedom
- Karen Straughn
- Paul Elam aka An Ear for Men aka A Voice for Men
- Turd Flinging Monkey
- The Enlightened Kiwi
- Robbie Rooster
- Kris Cantu
- Tom Leykis Show
- Bill Burr
- Messenger Rising
There is also a whole new world of terminology you will need to get your head around. Go to the Urban Dictionary for guidance.
Biology, Feminism, Female Nature and the Big Picture of Things
The more and more I shared my story with people and more and more similarities I found.
I hope you can get to the point also where you can start looking beyond your personal experienced and start trying to piece together the shared experiences from you and all your divorced friends. Chances are that you will come to a very similar conclusion that a lot of men in your boat are also making at the same time.
There is a lot bigger force at play than the ex-wife, she is just an ignorant pawn being manipulated by a government full of pathetic feminist sympathizers.
You will also find by sharing you experience with the men of the Manosphere that female nature is not a mystery to you anymore. Unfortunately a rage will then set in.
If you have just had the bomb dropped on you (your wife just told you she is separating from you) your world is about to be opened up to a dark and painful truth that you have probably denied for several months now. Chances you that you have been fed an overpowering dose of shame your entire life and now you are about to be left alone to wallow in it. There is good news men and I am glad that I can be the one to bring it to you.
Shame is a feeling of very low self-worth. In this context it is usually resultant from a prolonged and constant verbal attack from one intimate partner to another. Each attack on its own is minor and negligible but if you hear nothing else but these small paper cuts for years on end they start to pile up.
Shame is not something that one person can force another person to feel.
You’re feeling of shame can be removed by not giving weight to the attack. I know, easier said than, but now you have distance it’s time to start regaining your own self-worth.
Rock Bottom & Personal Growth
I have mentioned this in other posts on my site here at childneedsfather but when you have reached Rock bottom there is no emotional baggage and access to your psyche is direct.
Do not waste this opportunity, rebuild yourself as the man YOU now want to be.
10 Things Most Men Do To Amplify The Problem
- Dwell on the past
- Try to get back with the ex
- Turn to alcohol
- Do nothing
- Run away from it all (including the kids)
- Take on a new partner
- Seek revenge
- Bottling it all up
- Walking in someone else’s path
- Bury yourself in work (wage slavery)
5 Fears That Are Easily overcome
- Cooking (has never been easy, all the best chefs in the world are men)
- Housework (contrary to what your ex has told you its not hard)
- Dating (Easily solved, don’t date, It’s not worth the hassle)
- Money (You had no money when you were a teenager, you will get used to it again)
- Relationship with kids and having fun again (don’t think, just channel your inner child and do)
5 Things To Be Very Wary Of
- Lawyers will circle, throughout your demise, and prepare to swoop down when their time is right (you are bleeding money right now and the lawyer can smell it a mile off)
- Your male friends will likely disappear (their relationships are probably just as bad and they won’t want to wake up to it)
- Your female relatives will likely side with your ex (females stick to the group, most of the time it is thicker than blood, I found this anyway)
- Your mental health is at the greatest risk it will ever be
- You have a once in a lifetime opportunity to re-invent yourself. Don’t squander it feeling sorry for yourself. Your life knowledge has never been greater so use it for something selfish.
The sad truth is that your ex-wife will use your kids as leverage against you. At first, it might be to gain a more favorable property settlement but eventually it will just become a sport. The second and even more tragic part to this story is that she will be encouraged to do so by almost everyone who knows the situation (lawyers, judges, social workers, friends, relatives, random feminists, society in general).
I found this very hard to come to terms with. I still see my kids regularly but the only defense I could come up with is to really distance my attachment to them. Nowadays my physical time away from the kids really has to be an emotional and mental time separated from the kids as well.
I got to this point by listening to Buddhist lectures on living in the moment, the science behind brain function and spiritual teachings regarding the self and ego. Pretty heavy stuff but necessary for me.
Your Own Path
I am lucky I have always been what society calls a loner. I like my own company more than other peoples and my idea of a leisure activity is to get back into nature, becoming more isolated. This allowed me to live alone and look inside for answers.
One thing I can guarantee you if you are trying to work out how to recover from a devastating relationship breakup is that you can’t go to anyone and get quick answers. The most direct route to recovery is to work through your own process.
Having said that I can recommend a handful of brilliant books that set up the framework which allowed me to formulate my own path to recovery.
- “Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends”, 4th Edition by Bruce Fischer and Roberti Alberti
- “Parenting From The Inside Out”, 10th Edition by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell
- “Iron John”, 25th Anniversary Edition by Robert Bly.
One last and definitely the most important point I want you men to take away from this post. You are not alone, in fact now that you are separated or divorced you are in fact now part of the majority.
Feel free to share you story or thoughts below.