As a man going through a divorce the one thing you will be floored by is the silence. For some reason there are a lot of taboos associated with the situation and the silence is deafening. It will start with dramatic fighting against ex-wife monsters, lies and false allegations. Then, (if you are lucky) people close to you will notice the female bias, the lies and the systemic corruption but soon after that will follow the silence. A veil of secrecy goes up because everyone is afraid of speaking out against the relentless degradation of men. In this article 5 ways to support men going through divorce I plan show you how you can join me in breaking down those walls of silence.
#1 – Share your stories
The problem to be tackled here is isolation. The silence creates an invisible cage that no one wants to visit you in or even come close to.
The best, and only way, I found to combat such a situation is to seek out other men who have been a divorced and share your stories.
It is hard to start such a conversation but remember this:
“There are more men out there that share your divorce experience that don’t.”
When you do start that conversation you will find something like two out of three men have very similar experiences but have seldom (never) shared.
The key learning from this is that you are not alone.
If you can’t find such a man to talk to, search the internet MANOSPHERE, plenty of men are sharing their stories online and I am also writing some magazine articles sharing such stories with you. Stay tuned.
Divorced men that are keen to share their stories also gravitate towards MGTOW YouTube channels.
#2 – Positive Distractions can help, Negative Distractions will do harm
Typically, I would say that all distractions are just a futile exercise of procrastination (aka wasting time that you should be using usefully) but when it comes to divorce (and grief in general) the journey to recovery is such a big one that it needs to be cut down into small chunks. Also that little bit of recuperation between battles is well deserved.
In saying that though, not all distractions will maintain you on the path towards recovery. Positive distractions, as listed below, will provide a short term effect to re-energizing you.
On the other hand negative distractions will serve to drain your energy and leave you empty for the next phase of your fight. Here is a list of what I have found to be energy creating and energy zapping activities.
Positive distractions such as exercise, camping, hiking, fresh air, sunlight, climbing trees, time with kids, meditation, education, bike riding, swimming, reading, motorcycling, sitting around a campfire and burning things (especially totems of your past marriage), weightlifting, running, travel, volunteering/helping out the homeless men & changing your own belief systems just to name a few things will all help you rest on your path of recovery but also re-energize you.
Negative Distractions such as more women, burying yourself in work, denial, most alcohol, most drugs, PUA content, certain people at certain times, news, mainstream media, TV, high pressure jobs, child support agencies & lawyers will all take you energy and burn it, leaving you with nothing left to fight with.
#3 – Acknowledge the shame
Soon (if not already) the veil of secrecy you previously lived under should have been removed. You will be looking at a whole new world but can’t make any sense of it.
The first observation is normally something along the lines of “it doesn’t matter how much energy, time, money I give; it will never be enough to keep these people off my back.”
This reflection will quickly be followed by a feeling of fear for your bleak future and a sense of enslavement. Not the typical type of MANslavement but an all new type of child support enslavement or government lap-dog worker drone enslavement.
The enslavement feeling can only exist because of the long term sense of shame you have allowed to engulf you.
The shame has been building up for decades, slowly wearing your down:
- Shame from society
- Shame from the ex-wife
- Shame from the kids
- Shame from the court system, government, tax department
- Shame from your own family
- Shame from yourself.
If you can feel the shame, acknowledge it, congratulations you have now graduated past step 1 of your divorce recovery. Denial no longer has you hidden in a cage; backed into a corner and cornered in the dark.
#4 – Set an end goal
Eventually there will be windows of optimism that creep up on you. Don’t waste the dopamine.
One thing that men do well is to identify what they want and chase it. You are biologically constructed to set goals and smash them.
Here is a few examples to get your imagination rolling:
- Real estate
- Expatriation (escape the west and go overseas; Vietnam, Thailand etc)
- New job
- Time with kids
- New hobby or
- Pretty much anything you wanted to do that she wouldn’t let you do.
This step is critical and when done will mark a turnaround in your recovery.
No longer are you heading downhill, now you are starting to turn around and head in your own direction. Don’t under stretch your goals.
#5 – Set a pathway towards that destination
There is lots of resources out there and I am planning on filling up my website with as many products/services I can find to help men construct the pathway all the way to you reach their goal.
Of course each pathway will be individual to the man and his circumstances but (from what I have seen) there are a few common elements.
It is certainly something that never entered into my life until divorce. Whilst the bulk of the personal development industry is capitalist dribble targeting mainstream women’s worst common traits there are a lot of lessons to be learnt from history and from men who have already walked your path. Lots of great men in history have walk before you and some great thinkers have already devoted their lives to helping you maximize yours. Don’t ignore their efforts, they can actually help. E.g. Carl Jung, Socrates, Confucius, Terrence McKenna, Graeme Hancock, Nikola Tesla, Buddha, ….
Money is not what it used to be and business is not what it used to be. Once you start looking around you will see a whole new world of opportunity that didn’t exist ten years ago. Whilst you were married a lot of options were not available to you (because of your relentless bleeding of money away from you). Don’t get me wrong the child support system will still bleed money from you but if you play the long game and keep your nose clean the bleeding can stay reasonably predictable and level. A few possibilities include, Amazon FBA, drop shipping, internet businesses, blogging, affiliate marketing, digital nomads, freelancing, domain flipping, app development, web development etc.
Breaking down old paradigms and making a new belief system.
This is a theme that will serve you well. Breaking down your paradigms is the exact opposite to personal development; should we call it Personal Un-development? Clearing out all the untruths, old wives tales, propaganda, gynocentric axioms, myths, threats, lies & dreams either from you recent past or from your childhood will serve you very well.
Removing everyone else’s clutter from your brain will make room for you to start deciding how you want to arrange your own life. Again, don’t under stretch, when the time comes to break down the paradigms go hard and get rid of them all. No prisoners.
Closing comment: I hope this article shed some light on your situation or one someone else’s situation for you. The right sort of support is hard to come by.
Good luck and don’t forget to comment below. Let me what more I can help you with. Feel free to email at firstname.lastname@example.org
Hi there, My friends call me Remy. I am a middle aged divorcee that has decided not to walk the path other people decided to set down for me. I have gained the most strength in my life from my failures. Resilience is a very powerful attribute if you can manage it, I am still building mine up but stick with me and we can forge ahead together.