Hi there, welcome to my site but sorry to hear you are looking for signs about a bad marriage. Luckily for me I have been there, learn from lots of mistakes then come out the other end of a nasty divorce with a very different outlook on life. I hope my new outlook can help you.
I am going to quickly throw down 10 signs and then more importantly I want to discuss what to do about it. Skip to the good bit right down the end if you already know your red flags.
#1 Silent Treatment Means Bad Communication => Bad Marriage
The cold shoulder or the silent treatment is something that people use not only at the start of a marriage breakdown but right the way through to their death. It should be thought of a means of passive aggressive control of a relationship. It means a lot more than just not wanting to talk to someone.
#2 Monotonous Sh|t Tests That Mean You Would Rather Be Somewhere Else
I hope you have educated yourself enough to know what a sh|t test is. Sorry it couldn’t spell if the normal way, google is watching, the walls know what you are thinking 🙂 They are almost exclusively the realm of female behavior but as men become more and more effeminate this type of behavior is evident in your new age sensitive guys too.
If you don’t know what a sh|t test is check out this video.
#3 Alcohol Dependency for one or both people
This one really is a no brainer to everyone outside of the bad marriage but it gets overlooks from within. If you are using alcohol to numb the pain it will only defer the pain and slowly build up more.
Get some help to deal with the bad marriage but don’t sweep alcohol addiction under the rug. This is traditionally the realm of men but women have been taking great strides in recent years to catch up, now I think alcohol addiction is one of the few fields where women can compete on an equal playing field. They may not be able to drink as much but the devastation is still the same.
#4 Attention seeking behavior & Emotional Roller-coasters are normal
When marriages go bad there is an emotional roller coaster that comes part of the course. Do you find yourself fantasizing about a few hours home alone? That is a sign you wish that you could get off the roller coaster.
#5 Alienation of one person from the family
I don’t really know if that is the right title but quite often one member of the family going through a bad marriage or marriage breakup will be sacrificed and become treated as the third wheel (i.e. kids and mom treat dad as an outsider).
It could happen in lots of different ways but the end result is that one person (the dominant one in the relationship) will restrict their time and their interactions with the third wheel (the submissive partner).
#6 No Sex Marriage & No Intimacy
One huge thing that most men never get told going into a marriage is that they are not going to get sex whenever they want it. Women have taken control of the sex makers and use it as a bargaining chip during every negotiation. If you find yourself on the wrong end of the negotiations (as a man) too many times you will find yourself in this situation. There is nothing you can do to make her change her mind, the best thing to do is to start changing your own actions and attitudes. More on this below, after the list.
#7 One Partner has all the Financial Control
This is a subtle mechanism but it will creep into a relationship and ruin it. In fact, it is the biggest factor in the most divorces. Money always starts fights. Here is a related scenario that I want you to look for. Answer these questions honestly.
Do you live paycheck to paycheck?
Does one partner work hard, all day every day, bring home a good pay packet but you still live paycheck to paycheck?
Is it one partner who spends most of the money?
#8 Separate Holidays & Separate bedrooms
If you are living separate lives then it should be obvious that you are not living as a married couple.
Here is one scenario just to take this point to the next level.
Dad snores so mum sleeps in a separate room. Dad accepts the situation, does nothing to try to fix his snoring and separate rooms become the norm.
In this example if dad wanted to “fix” things he would be showing signs of trying to stop snoring.
#9 One Partner shows Zero Empathy to the other
If you don’t get any signs of empathy from your partner when bad things happen you are either dealing with a bad relationship or someone who has a personality disorder like narcissism or solipsism. Hopefully not both but it happens.
#10 One Partner has No Decision making power
Do you feel like your weekends are planned for you, you have to go along with the flow, do what you are told and keep everyone else happy. These types of things are signs that you have been sacrificed for the sake of the marriage. Be wary because too much sacrifice leads to oblivion (in other words one you have give everything you lose all value to other people because you have nothing left to give).
Take the first step to a remedy
I really want to stress that the first step towards a happier future (with or without your marriage) really doesn’t involve your spouse changing. That is right, you cannot hold back and wait for something or somebody else to change. YOU DO NOT HAVE POWER OVER OTHER PEOPLE TO MAKE THEM CHANGE, even if you did would you really want to be stuck in a situation whereby one partner is dominant over another. 200 years ago that was called slavery, nowadays it is more summed up by the phrase “Don’t rock the boat.”
Either way I challenge you to stop focusing on all the negative things that other people are doing to you (or not doing to you).
Next I challenge you to do one constructive thing for yourself that will (in any little way possible) put a smile on your face. It can’t be destructive to someone else or to your own help, here are a few suggestions to set the theme:
- Wake up early and walk around your house. Enjoy the peace and quiet, that is how it should be all the time
- Write yourself a very easy to do list, and smash through it for the express purpose of sitting down at the end of it and celebrating success
- Choose a time 10 or 20 years ago when you were at your happiest, try to recreate one little tiny aspect of that happiness
- i.e. rekindle an old hobby
- go to an old hangout
- watch a favorite movie from back then or
- this really works great for me: play some your favorite music from when you were a teenager.
- Next time your spouse tries to start an argument do something completely unexpected like agree with them (this tactic seriously throws them on the back foot). The secret to making this tactic work is that you need to openly tell them that you are willing to compromise but you are also planning to reward yourself for the compromise. Choose yourself a worthy reward. Again no consumer goods and no destruction.
Hi there, My friends call me Remy. I am a middle aged divorcee that has decided not to walk the path other people decided to set down for me. I have gained the most strength in my life from my failures. Resilience is a very powerful attribute if you can manage it, I am still building mine up but stick with me and we can forge ahead together.